Misunderstanding or Sexism?
Ben Trott posted an entry at the Six Apart weblog today about "a profile of Six Apart (and Mena and myself)" that is being published in Baseline magazine. Most of the content of Ben's post is about how the article is great, but misrepresents Mena's role as his partner in developing software. Ben does not say so, but in addition to things he enumerates I think it is a perfect example of how women get marginalized in these situations.
Sexism remains a problem in our culture. I know many couples--Janet and me, Mena and Ben, Carolyn and Tom, Katie and Hodge and many more--where the woman is a powerful and competent partner. But people who do not know better assume the male half of the team is the "leader," in charge of the relationship and the key person of the partnership.
It is often subtle and not always easy to nail, but then things like what happened to the Trotts comes up and reveals the truth. But even then, we are not always comfortable about naming the truth. Ben did not. And often, I do not.
In many ways I have practiced relinquishment of the privileged role I enjoy in these situations. Even when I might deserve recognition, I do my best to shine the spotlight on Janet. She is, after all, an awesome person. She makes a lot more money than I do. She is better educated, kinder, more attractive, stronger, more competent in almost every way. I do not deserve the assumed role people bestow on me and it bothers me when I let something slide (I'm bothered quite often in this regard).
Well, Ben's gentle rant reminded me about the need to name sexism when it shows up. I hope you will be mindful of these matters, too.
Thanks, Sue. I see now what Hashim was saying. The post is gone and I now know of another way that spam is propagated.
Posted by: John | May 19, 2004 at 04:44 PM
Hmmm. Spam without a URL, no HTML whatsoever. Why are you so sure it's spam, Hashim?
Posted by: John | April 27, 2004 at 10:34 PM
the comment above mine is spam, by the way.
Posted by: Hashim | April 27, 2004 at 08:38 PM
In the context of what happened with the Trotts your point seems incongruous. Romantic love is not what Baseline magazine was evaluating. It is the sexist cultural assumption of domination of men in a relationship that I challenge.
Romantic love, by definition, reflects our thoughts about something that is not real, only imagined. Conscious love is the more grounded concept.
In life and love the genders are much more balanced than we assume. The fantasy that women dominate men in the romantic realm is just another way to disempower women, to assign an attribute of prowess where only imagination carries weight.
It is hard to get riled by cultural notions about romance when so little of consequence is at stake. So, there is not much damage done when we buy into the illusion that women rule when it comes to love. But just to set the record straight when it comes to me and mine, I have quite a flare when it comes to touching loved one's emotions and showing them that I care.
Posted by: John | February 16, 2004 at 12:24 PM
The problem today in relationships is not the dominant male, but that we are dominated by women!
Let's face it, when it comes to romantic love, women are NOT the weaker sex!
Posted by: Timothy | February 16, 2004 at 11:05 AM
"Full partnership" is an equivocal term. What works for me and my partner may seem less than balanced by someone else. We find ourselves redefining our partnership as our circumstances change and our roles shift from time-to-time.
The issue here is the assumptions people make about the dynamics of a partnership between a man and a women. The sexism of our culture continues to color our perception in favor of male dominance--an assumption that is often false and easily verified.
Posted by: John | January 19, 2004 at 07:50 AM
The best kind of relationship is based on full partnership. Although this state can be hard to achieve and mantain.
Posted by: Pussy Cat | January 19, 2004 at 12:00 AM
that's funny because I always saw Mena as the genuis behind MT. What attracted me to the software is how aesthetically pleasing it is to the eye, which is something I think Mena did.
Posted by: Madison | December 31, 2003 at 04:56 PM
I like your chutzpah, Steph.
Posted by: John | December 19, 2003 at 10:16 PM
Anyone who knows us knows that I am in charge of what goes on in our family. He does make a bit more than me financially, but he wouldn't know because he has no clue as to where the money goes. He knows that if I were to die tomorrow, he would be screwed. On the other hand, if something were to happen to him I would be fine (after I moved back to San Diego). I let him think he is in charge of things, but we all (including him) know that without me, our family would fall apart.
Posted by: Steph | December 19, 2003 at 07:55 AM
Yes, Steph, you are competent, powerful, beautiful, playful, sensitive, brilliant, loving, adventurous, sexy, independent, nurturing, assertive, loyal, wise, energetic, reliable, sensual, dazzling, creative, frugal, bold, funny, tenacious, thoughtful, endearing and so much more. How often do you find people assuming that Clinton is the leader of you and your family? Does he set people straight?
Love,
Posted by: John | December 17, 2003 at 03:26 PM
Excuse me!!! I am a competent and powerful partner too!! :)
Love ya!
Posted by: Steph | December 17, 2003 at 12:27 PM